Jars

jars

I don’t consider myself a perfectionist but I do like my life in order.  I mean if the laundry doesn’t get done today, it will still be there tomorrow.   If my bed doesn’t get made (like today) that’s ok.  But there are parts of my life that I have put in a jar and put tight lids on.  And while sometimes the jars keep things safe, the lids keep a lot of things out too.

I’m hard on people.  I don’t remember always being this way but after some incidents where I felt taken advantage of, I’m slow to forgive.  I have many acquaintances but have a hard time making new friends. I have a really hard time in crowds.   I don’t know how to mingle.  Basically, no one gets close.  I try in some ways but it’s extremely hard for me. I’ve decided that if people don’t make an effort to interact with me, I don’t make the effort either.   It’s a jar with a tight lid.

BUT  I spend too much time alone.  When you call me, I’ll talk you to death because sometimes I have a lot to say and no one to listen.  If you invite me somewhere one on one I don’t say no unless I have something else to actually do.  My sweet dad was lonely after I made him move in with me.  When I needed to go somewhere he was already to go too even if he just sat in the car.  It’s a great fault that I don’t know how to fix.  It’s a jar with a tight lid.

I had a tough jar weekend.  I cannot go into every detail but it started early with cousins from my dad’s side.  Nice comfortable dinner with cousin and her husband of 40 years. And on Saturday a cousin from my mom’s side got married so I actually went to a wedding, a place full of strangers.  And another cousin from mom’s side & her husband came too so go to spend time with them too.   We had a meal.  We went to family cemeteries.  It was nice too.  But while I know the first cousin very well, 2nd cousin is a very sweet virtual stranger.   My sweet aunt raised wonderful, kind children and all have always been very nice to me but I have always felt out of place with them.  They all have great careers and families and live an around-the-world-lives while mine is more a trip to Dallas every year.   It’s me, not them.

I got back yesterday to a garage door malfunction that will be costing me money later this week.

And 16 years ago today my mom died.

The other thing that I won’t write about was very upsetting to me.  Like I have not slept in the last 2 nights.  It and the garage door are jars that have been knocked over and things have spilled out.  And today I had trouble dealing with spilled jars.

If I did not leave the house for the rest of the week I’d probably be ok.  And I always land on my feet.  So I’ll jet my jars lined up again soon, lids tightened, labels facing forward.

 

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