I don’t fit in this world. I used to be closer to fitting in but that has diminished as I’ve gotten older. Since I retired, I rarely see anyone anymore. Since I’ve lost my mom & dad & sisters I have no love in my life & few people I can trust. I have a niece & nephew. Both live in other towns & have their own families. I rarely see them. I don’t get invited for holidays or out to eat …it’s not their fault. They’re busy. I have a couple of good friends but they have their own drama & I’m not much on drama. So, I’m basically alone most of the time.
I’ve always been mostly fine alone. I wish I had someone special in my life. But I’ve always been pretty self entertaining. But it’s gotten harder. I don’t like going out to eat, not for the food anyway. If someone asks me to go eat, I actually enjoy the company. But I eat at home, alone, for weeks at a time.
I try to deliver packages 2 days a week.
I can’t stand shopping or going to the movies anymore.
I get tired of the TV noise. I don’t listen to music anymore.
I like to cook but I don’t like leftovers & cooking for 1 person is hard. So I eat junk, mostly. I do have a NY strip for my lunch tomorrow so I’m not completely barbarian.
I don’t sleep.
I can’t read anymore & I’ve always been a big reader. I can’t concentrate.
I don’t like traveling anymore.
I hate talking on the phone.
There are weeks I literally talk to no one. It’s been years since anyone has touched me. I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about anyone for any reason.
I’m hurting. I’m black & empty inside. My heart has died. And I don’t know what to do.